We'll always have Newport

Well, it's official: The OC, which finally got good again this season, is getting cancelled. While there is some wild speculation that the show will get picked up by the CW, I don't see it happening. Not only would way too many pieces need to fall into place, but it would probably not be nearly as good; considering his busy schedule¹ these days, it's doubtful that creator Josh Schwartz would stay on with the show, at least in his current capacity.

What I find most amazing about the immediate reaction to the news is the general assumption that the show simply couldn't survive the loss of star Mischa Barton, whose character was killed off following a rumoured financial dispute with the producers. This theory conveniently ignores the fact that the show's ratings had been in a slow and steady decline almost since the first episode, and that this season it had been moved to the single most brutal slot in prime time, competing with the ratings onslaught of Grey's Anatomy, CSI and NBC's lineup of "smart"² comedies.

The video linked above posits Marissa's death as the obvious jump-the-shark moment that doomed the show, an assumption which betrays both a misreading of the show's appeal and a broader misunderstanding of the term itself. "Jumping the shark" does not refer to the event that made people stop watching, it represents a tipping point of creative decline, when the writers began repeating themselves or turned to hackneyed gimmicks for plot twists. It's not where the show ran out of viewers, it's where it ran out of ideas.

If anything, the death of Marissa is the opposite: a creative renaissance that seems to have brought the show out of its melodramatic doldrums and turned it back into the frivolous teen soap a few million of us fell in love with three years ago. In fact, you'll notice that at the bottom of the page linked above, one true believer even voted that the show had "jumped back" in the current season. If there was a jump-the-shark moment, it was the introduction³ of one of two characters. You can debate which one was the real nadir, the true Cousin Oliver of Newport, but I won't hear any arguments for moments or characters aside from these two. In reverse order:

• Johnny
  The moody surfer from season three was introduced when Marissa was expelled from Harbor and exiled to the soul-sucking horrors of public school. He becomes a sort of alternate love interest for Marissa, who strings him along obliviously, creating a dismal pair of love trianges⁴, one between the two of them and Ryan, the other including Johnny's girlfriend. It's possible to mark the exact moment of shark-jumping to the second that Johnny's limp and inebriated body hit the rocks below after he fell off a cliff, but Johnny brought so much more awful baggage with him that his ripple effect must be considered to fully appreciate his overall lameness. Remember, it was through Johnny that the excreble Volchuk, simultaneously the lamest character and the worst actor in the show's already-ignominious history, was introduced. And, lest we forget: Chili.
• Oliver
  It could also be argued that the show was finished following the introduction of the ironically-named Oliver in the middle of the first(!) season. Following essentially the same character arc as Johnny, he develops an unrequited crush on Marissa, she strings him along with the same like-you-as-a-friend bullshit, Ryan gets moody and justifiably jealous. His singular moment, like Johnny's, comes at the end, when he declares his undying love for Marissa while brandishing a firearm and a mouthful of sleeping pills.

They're both abysmal moments in the show's brief history, but was either really the end? On one hand, the Oliver story was the first time the show resorted to a ludicrous plotline, and established a dismal precedent in the process. On the other, Oliver was gone without a trace the moment the carted his sorry ass off to the magical land of padded walls; Johnny's story had repurcussions that stretched well into the following season.⁵ Vigilante payback roadtrip to Mexico, anyone? For this reason I'll take Johnny as the show's true nadir.

Which makes its recovery all the more miraculous, and its cancellation all the more tragic. Notice a common element in the events listed above? That's right: Marissa. Would getting rid of her solve all of the shows problems? Hell no. Would it solve most of the biggest problems? Absolutely. The question, then becomes this: would the show still be worth watching without her? I say even more so. One need look no further than this season.

The show flirted with (further) disaster with the introduction of Ryan's father, who appeared at first to have sinister and mysterious motives⁶, but he was quickly revealed to be interested in little more than a family reunion and acceptance for his surprisingly sincere I'm-a-changed-man routine. Now he's either vanishing again or taking on a new role as Julie Cooper's latest unlikely love interest. Either way, I'm fine with it. Other than that, the only plotlines going are the suddenly cold-footed Seth and Summer's ongoing attempts to make one another blink before the wedding and Caitlin's new romantic interest⁷ Perfect. Just the sort of fluff one wants from a show about rich teenagers. Pity it has too end so soon, but perhaps better it happen now than before the writers kill the momentum with yet another grievously ill-advised suicide/insanity/felony/hard drugs/space aliens/covert assassins what-have-you plot twist. Word is that the final episodes have yet to be shot, so the show will have a chance to present a finale with real closure, rather than just ending abruptly, and I suppose I'm looking forward to that. It was, for the most part, fun while it lasted.

Tangents & Clarifications
1. And by the way, if you've clicked that link, let me just say that I for one am completely psyched for this Gossip Girl show. I've never even heard of the books, but the premise sounds terrific. [Return]
2. (i.e., the ones without laugh tracks) [Return]
3. (or, more accurately, dismissal) [Return]
4. A "love rhombus"? [Return]
5. Interestingly, after all the traces of his many plot/character derivatives had finally been completely expunged from the show, Johnny managed to make one last appearance as one of my favourite inconspicuous details of the recent Christmukkah coma episode. Johnny had been surfing prodigy who, just before his death, had an opportunity to turn pro and embark on a tour, sponsorships and all. In one of the first scenes to take place in the "alternate universe", there is a brief glimpse of a poster advertising a pro surfing tour featuring Johnny as its star. Since Marissa died even younger, she never went to Newport High, never stole the young surfer's heart, etc, so he never died. Cool. Probably my second-favourite detail of the whole episode. The first? Tate motherfucking Donovan. [Return]
6. Seriously, am I the only one who thought this was going to turn into a six-episode-long snoozer in which the guy slowly gains everyone's trust, then is revealed to be jst some con artist with a stolen identity looking to swindle the Cohens out of their money? And Sandy's the only one who smells a rat, while everybody else is like, "No, really, he's changed, just give him a chance," until he finally finds the evidence he needs to thwart his dastardly scheme just before it's too late? I mean, it was almost too obvious. Just take that Jerri Ryan character from a couple seasons back (speaking of wretched plotlines) and turn her into a guy. Bingo. [Return]
7. Potrayed by some up-and-coming pop star I'd never heard of. He's cute enough, but my inital reaction to his acting talents is that he may want to stick with music. Oh and by the way, how funny is it that the writers seem to be going out of their way to make the show's only black character anything but some ghetto jock on scholarship? He aces English class! He's a band geek! He wears sweaters! Really, he's so much more than just a rehash of that CU basketball player Donna Martin used to tutor. In fact, he's the one tutoring Caitlin. [Return]

On the importance of good ladder safety

Good solid episode of The OC this week, but not a great one, and I think it could have been. I liked the corny It's a Wonderful Life conceit and felt like they could have made a real classic out of it. But I think what ultimately held it back was a reluctance to fully immerse the episode in the fantasy, and a hesitation to ask the audience to follow.

The set-up was fine, with the ladder accident and all, and Ryan's first few encounters with the other characters not recognising him were fun. But why keep jumping back to the real world? All of the interludes occuring back in reality were unnecessary, hindered the flow of the fantasy story and seemed like little more than a concession to an audience the writers imagined would be confused by the whole parallel universe thing.¹ If you're that worried, why do the story at all? Come on, Schwartz: taking risks is what makes for great television. Sometimes.

Two moments made the reality interludes worthwhile:

1. Seth, of course, has the whole thing figured out correctly. Why? Because he reads comic books, that's why. And comic books have the answers to all of life's mysteries.²
2. When Julie threatened Taylor's mom by telling her that if she didn't delay her vacation to visit her comatose daughter in the hospital, she'd tell airport security that Veronica was carrying a bomb, to the shock (and, no doubt, admiration) of even Caitlin. Absolute classic Julie Cooper moment, the stuff of which legends are made.

Other than that, totally extraneous, and only distracted from the story at hand.

As for the main story, Ryan and Taylor's dual coma-dream? It was cute, it was fun. Not much to say about it really, other than it worked. Overall the episode was really one big interlude in the series, as no one's plotlines were advanced in any way. A throwaway, but an enjoyable one nonetheless. A few other observations:

• Did it really need to be raining back in the real world while Ryan and Taylor were out cold? They say it never rains in southern California, you know..³ Theory: the whole thing was an extended riff on side 3 of Electric Ladyland, where Jimi Hendrix stares out the window on a rainy day and dreams about turning into a mermaid. I know it's a stretch, and Schwartz certainly doesn't seem like much of a classic rocker but hey, it works for me.
• Taylor's gift for Ryan? The deluxe Foreman grill. Yes, of course. Has Ryan ever cooked anything in his life? Classic Taylor: so misguided you could just give her a big hug.
• Couple more moments of Ryan–Kirsten sexual tension to file away for future study:
  1. Kirsten quizzing Ryan about inviting Taylor to Christmukkah dinner, then thinking she has his reluctance all figured out. Actually, Kiki, it's because someone else will be there for whom Ryan's got the hots. And she's bringin' the ham, if you know what I mean.
  2. Taylor speculating on dream-Kirsten's unfulfilling sex life, and Ryan becoming very uncomfortable not at the thought of his adoptive mother having sex, but rather at the thought of the object of his desires with another man.
• Absolutely classic line, destined for the annals of Sethdom:

  Ryan: I'm from an alternate universe where your parents are still married and you and Summer are in love.

  Seth[utterly unfazed]: I always knew this would happen.

• Tate motherfucking Donovan: back on the set like it's the oh-four all over again. Plus he finally scored Kirsten, even if it is for just one dream sequence. Seems like, unlike everybody else in the dream, the Coopers were actually better off in the Ryan-never-showed-up scenario. I mean, they're still divorced and Marissa's still dead, but Caitlin's a child prodigy and Jimmy never went broke (repeatedly). Which, as we all know, back in the real world, Ryan prevented... how exactly?

Tangents & Clarifications
1. Which, judging by a few of the comments on the boards, some of them were. Still, can't always aim for the lowest common denominator. Even in television. [Return]
2. Except, like, how to score chicks. [Return]
3. Although it did once before that I can remember, when Sandy got stuck in a storm with his fugitive ex-girlfriend and had to spend the night in a motel with her but nothing happened, honey! [Return]

Um, OMG, Caitlin like, rocks!

I think the last time The O.C. enjoyed two good episodes in a row was during the first season. But last week's episode, like that of the week before, was fantastic. No one got arrested, no one fell grievously ill, no one fucking died for sobbing out loud, just one hour of good old-fashioned puppy love and debauched partying. Okay, so Summer got kicked out of school, that's pretty major, but important to the show for larger purposes. Now she's stuck in Newport till next fall, and Seth says he'll defer RISD an extra semester in order to stay with her. This gives Schwartz & Co. about six months to dream up that one last kooky plot twist that finally leads to the whole gang's inevitable enrollment at California University at Orange County.

Except of course for Ryan, who just has to do his own thing, so he enrolls at cross-town rival Chino State. Graduation rate: just like those incredible prices in a high-end consumer electronics catalogue... too low to print. Also known as "where the wild things are." Like as in, "welcome to the jungle, kid." Good opportunity to re-introduce all the kids from Newport Public who aren't dead or in jail (bad Heather, Johnny's girlfriend, that insufferable "Bizarro Seth" kid) yet. 'Cause you just know they'll all wind up in the same place. And of course this socioeconomic cross-pollination can only lead to one thing: showdown between the haves and the have-nots at the annual CUOC–CSU gridiron tilt in late November (nickname: the Lemon Bowl). Naturally the two schools are long-standing rivals in all sports, but the near-brawl has to take place at a football game, because there's really only three sports not historically dominated by one school or the other, and CSU's basketball program is under NCAA-mandated suspension following last year's point-shaving scandal.¹ I'm telling you, you take your eyes off those public school kids for one minute...

But we're getting ahead of ourselves here. A few other observations on the current State of the County:

• Gordon "The" Bullet: a questionable addition whose novelty is wearing thin fast, but has too many good points to just write off. For one thing, it's always good to have Julie dating yet another rich guy, and the idea of him aggressively pursuing her and her resisting his "charms" is a nice change of pace. But I think it was his sudden and unexpected display of vulnerability after their disastrous dinner with the Cohens that ultimately tipped the scales in his favour: after all that alpha-male bluster, he's really just a poor little puppy dog, eager to please and starved for attention.²
• Having Julie and Kirsten's dating service accidentally morph into a call-guy service stocked with hot young gigolos is exactly the kind of overwrought nonsense I generally find unnecessary and bothersome about this show. Are we even going to find out how this misunderstanding occurred? Did that sexpot client just offer the kid money at the end of the night? And if so, what made him think to call Julie and offer her a share of it? I'm willing to give this one a chance simply because it smacks of Julie's secret porn-tape subplot from a couple seasons ago, which was both a hilarious idea and a well-written storyline, right up to its surprisingly affecting conclusion. But Schwartz & Co. are skating on pretty thin narrative ice when they turn to ideas this inherently ridiculous. Colour me open-minded but highly skeptical.
• Nice to see Che get exposed as a whiney rich kid, but I didn't like the way the writers portrayed him as a sympathetic galoot (in a pitiful sort of way), rather than a scheming little weasel. The good: I like that "Che" is short for "Manchester"; clever detail there. The bad: Seth should have punched him in the face instead of shoving him into the pool. Che still could have fallen into the water and dragged Summer with him, but that way he would have at least emerged with a bloody nose. Also, Summer would have scolded Seth for resorting to violence but secretly been really turned on by seeing her man throw a punch.
• Caitlin just took an immeasurable leap forward in terms of character respectability with that party, and may in fact be my new hero. At this point I'm having trouble accepting that she was actually related to that walking wet blanket Marissa. Could Marissa have pulled off these moves? More importantly, would it even have occurred to her to bother trying? Let's recap the high points:
  1. invites all the kids who aren't invited to the mean ol' popular girl's party, no matter who they are; totally choice move, because she immediately becomes the savior of not only all of Harbour High's social outcasts, but pretty much everybody outside the highest social echelon, while at the same time guaranteeing herself a big enough crowd that she won't get stuck hanging out with the same half-a-dozen boring losers all night;
  2. openly smokes marijuana and offers it to others with no repercussions, which puts her way ahead of Seth³, that's for damn sure;
  3. continues the show's by-now long-standing tradition of alarmingly casual underage drinking, again with no repercussions; and most deliciously
  4. tries to hook up with her main rival's boyfriend, and when that doesn't work? Oh, just gets him to come out of the closet instead! I mean, she gets rebuffed on her initial advance, so she goes for the even more devastating move? PWNED!
  At that point it's game, set and match, Caitlin Cooper. And when the mean girl shows up in tears, having just arrived from her own sparsely attended soirée, to concede defeat and offer school-ruling privileges? Caitlin can't even be bothered. "Just be nice to your friends," she scoffs. Coolest move ever! Seriously, at this point I don't think she can be stopped. I'm completely prepared to believe that by the end of the season she'll successfully broker a bilateral disarmament agreement between India and Pakistan, and look jailbait-fabulous doing it. Oh yeah, and when she finishes teaching her rival a crucial life lesson and leaving all of Harbour High a palpably better place for it, what does she do? Turns around and goes back to cleaning the graffiti from one of the unconscious twins' faces, thanklessly looking out for her friends as the rest of the party fades into yesterday. She's almost too cool to be believed in this episode, but I think I like her that way.
• And of course the Taylor-Ryan saga continues, which makes for some good moments (Sandy and Kirsten vying for the role of "the new Seth" in Ryan's life⁴; Taylor hiring some gay dude to pretend to be her boyfriend and paying him in rare Japanese action figures), some not so good (Ryan's lame infatuation fantasies⁵, which require "actor" Ben MacKenzie to reveal his painfully inadequate range). All in all I like where they left it: the two of them are kind of back to where they started, with plenty of room left for several more episodes of the same endlessly endearing mating dance. Bring it.

By the way, watch for some awkward scenes between Seth and Summer in the coming weeks, as US Weekly reports the real-life couple have called it quits. On one hand, I'm like, totally bummed. I mean, they're both like, so hot. On the other hand, that same article places Brody at some party flirting with none other than Ashlee Simpson! Pinch me! I mean, hello? Like, oh my god, is my head about to explode? I don't think I could even handle it if those two were to start dating. That would just be like... oh my god!

Tangents & Clarifications
1. CUOC, not surprisingly, can beat CSU handily at most of the country club-type sports (golf, tennis, equestrian), while CSU tends to dominate the "grittier" sports in the collegiate pantheon (stickball, kick the can, auto theft). Interesting trivia tidbit: the third sport at which both schools traditionally excel is none other than water polo, a sport most people would understandably expect to be dominated by the rich kids. Instead, CSU plays the role of perennial scrappy underdog and invariably makes the conference finals year in and year out, due in no small part to their unique home field advantage. Whereas the CSU players are used to the conditions of their campus's pool, CUOC and other visiting squads are thoroughly unaccustomed to swimming in what is essentially a chlorinated vat of medical waste and animal remains; their play suffers accordingly. [Return]
2. Big bonus points for the Bullet who, when discussing widespread Jewish media ownership, addresses Sandy affectionately as "Hebro". A few left-field laughs like that per episode and the big guy can stick around as long as he pleases. [Return]
3. Who you'll no doubt recall missed his interview with Brown, blowing his shot at acceptance, and later went on to burn down his father's office. All during his "experimenting" phase. Way to go, lightweight. [Return]
4. The winner? Tossup, really. Kirsten gives the better advice, but Sandy does the better Seth impression (mentions comic books and indie rock) and has a more relaxed overall demeanor. Of course this latter advantage is partly due to the undeniable sexual tension between Kirsten and Ryan. Mark my words. [Return]
5. Interesting side note: in its first couple of seasons the show was known for, among other things, a tendency to try to "have it both ways", in that the writers seemed to feel that, by acknowledging and poking fun at the inherent cheesiness of the show through either self-referential comments or witty discussions of thinly-veiled fictional show-within-the-show The Valley, said cheesiness became automatically excused. It worked the first couple of times, but they drove the idea into the ground and eventually abandoned it, as though tacitly admitting that the show had become so ludicrous that no amount of half-assed postmodern-lite one-liners could excuse it. At the same time the tone of the show had become so suffocatingly melodramatic that such japery would have seemed jarringly incongruous anyway.
   When Ryan describes his woefully unimaginative Tayl-lucinations (pole dancing, excessive soap suds)^a to Seth, Seth responds with a joke about how cheesy his fantasies are, echoing the thoughts of the viewing audience. On one hand, it's indicative of the overall return to form the show is undergoing these days that the writers aren't afraid to reach back and pull out some of the old gags; on one level they're winking at the cheesiness of the scenes, but the self-referentialism also works on another level as they seem to be pointing out that the lighter tone of the recent storylines recalls the show's carefree early days, before teen death, parental alcoholism and corrupt local politics became the order of the day.
   On the other hand, nice try. Why not just give Ryan some really kinky fantasies? Why can't Ryan harbour some surprising fetishes deep down beneath that hardened exterior? [Return]
1. which, by the way, I'd wager Autumn Reeser had a blast shooting

Random thought...

Has there been any precedent set yet as to how royalties are divided up for a mash-up? Say the Grey Album version of "Encore" was used in a scene of The O.C. Think about it, it's not that far out of the realm of possibility: it's a well-known enough track; anybody with more than just a pasing interest in popular music has heard it, most others have heard of it, and anyone with access to a computer and a file-sharing network can find it. The show's music supervisor clearly has a jones for covers, and this would be a pretty hip move in that department.

Obviously Jay-Z and the Beatles are both owed performers' and composers' royalties, but there isn't enough to give everyone a full share under the traditional arrangement. It seems like there would have to be a long, drawn out court case to decide how to divide it up, and I haven't heard of one happening yet. But most importantly: would Danger Mouse get a slice of the pie? Seems to me like this would be a major step in legitimsing the mash-up as an art form.

Don't call it a comeback!

Hell yes. Hell yes! What did I say at the end of last season about Taylor Townsend? Far and away the best part of the show. I'm not saying she's my favourite character per se, I'm saying that all the best storylines on the show seem to revolve around her.¹ The best stuff last season was her ill-fated pursuit of Seth, and now she's head over heels for Ryan. Last Thursday's episode was better than any single show from all of season 3, and reminded me why I started liking this show in the first place: teenage drama.

The thing about teeagers that makes them so compelling (fictional ones, anyway) is that every situation in their lives is stop-the-presses, edge-of-your-seat, life-or-death drama. Given their unique cocktail of self-absorbtion and hormonal imbalance, teenagers have an inherent inability to distinguish between big problems and little ones. Which is why getting dumped, not making the team, failing geometry, etc, can be just as traumatic as, say, terminal illness in the family. I think Schwartz and co. have a tendency to lose sight of this fact, which is why last season they resorted to peer death as a plot device not once but twice. In the same season. On a dramatic show with adult characters, you need these kinds of events to imbue the show with any sort of gravitas, as (most) adults are quite aware of of the ultimate triviality of most of their problems (mortgage, car troubles, etc.). To get teenagers worked up, you shouldn't need any more traumatic an event than, say, a car accident in which no one is seriously hurt, but the car is totalled and somebody gets grounded. Anything more serious than that and you're wasting drama, 'cause these kids just don't know the difference.

You'll notice, by the way, that the writers left Taylor's star-cross'd schoolgirl crush both unrequited and unresolved at the end of last week's stellar hour. Ryan isn't hooked yet, but he can't help but be intrigued by her dogged persistence and perceptive nature, leaving the door ajar for more awkward hijinx as she tries vainly to melt the ice in Ryan's veins and he repeatedly cocks his head thoughtfully and mumbles to himself, "Am I really falling for Taylor?" Let the good times roll.

One can only hope the writers have the sense to drag this out for at least a few more episodes. After that, who knows? Perhaps they can have her sneeze in front of Sandy, he'll say "God bless you" in Yiddish and start spinning some yarn about "the Nana", she'll go all doe-eyed, and we're off to the races again.

Other thoughts on the unlikely renaissance:

• And just as we finally get all that Volchok (sp?²) manhunt rubbish out of the way, the show may not even last now that it's got its groove again: the ratings are reportedly in the toilet. The wife, who knows from such things believe you me, tells me it's in one of the toughest time slots in prime time which, if so, I mean why? Just stick it somewhere less competitive. The audience may not be big, but judging by the message boards it's pretty damn loyal.³ The old fans will follow and new ones will be made. What's the hold-up? Mental note: must ask the wife what she thinks the best slot would be.
• As much as I find Caitlin (sp?⁴) somewhat annoying, she's an immeasurable upgrade over Marissa. Whereas Marissa was just blandly self-centered deadweight, Caitlin is shaping up to be a scheming little siren just like her mother. And Julie seems to be in top form, going from bloodthirsty murderess-by-proxy to self-made MILF at the drop of a hedge-trimmer. Having the two of them compete over the same mimbo tennis instructor was a terrific subplot, just the sort of goofy romantic triangle of which the show could always use plenty more.
• This "Che" fucker's a lowlife piece of shit, and needs to get his hippie ass beat down. First he talks the eternally susceptible Summer into accompanying him on some asinine lab-animal rescue mission to free some bunnies from an experiment he knows nothing about (it turns out to be a pretty benign social study), then he turns her in for all these other bullshit stunts he pulled with which Summer had nothing to do! Are you kidding me? On top of all that, he calls himself "Che", which is grounds enough for a slap or two. The whole thing's a necessary plot device, of course, as this will presumably be the catalyst that gets Summer kicked out of Brown so she can return to the sunny paradise by the Great Salt Lake and attend CU⁵ with the rest of the gang just like we always knew she would. But man, this guy better get his comeuppance before this whole affair's over, or I might just go out and kick some random crust-bucket's ass on principle.
• Isn't it funny how Seth's become "the grounded one", the voice of sanity in everybody else's crazy life? He's got a steady job, a steady girlfriend and steady prospects for the new year⁶. He talks Ryan out of killing Volchok, talks Volchok into turning himself in, talks Summer through her tough times adjusting to both Brown and Marissa's death, and now he's the stable one Taylor turns to for advice in her quest to breach the fortress walls around Ryan's heart. We all know this is how guys like him are destined to turn out, but usually it takes them till like their mid-20s to really settle into the role.
• Still waiting for my dream OC romance to spring to life: Ryan and Kirsten, the ultimate forbidden love affair that you can actually talk yourself into seeing as kind of acceptable. They're not really related after all, and she's never really functioned as much of a mother figure to him, blahblahblah. Maybe if Schwartz gets really desperate for ratings.
• Aren't we about due for a Tate Donovan sighting? Make it happen, Schwartz. Make it happen. He's still got immediate family members in the cast of characters, so you don't even need to make up some cockamamie plot twist, he's allowed to just show up.

Tangents & Clarifications
1. Great casting too, by the way. At any random party Autumn Reeser's one of the hottest girls in the room, crazy cute but not supermodel-knockout level^a, but when matched up against all-pro talent like Rachel Bilson and Kelly Rowan she comes off as average-to-mildly-cute. [Return]
1. This is key, because her hotness gets multiplied by the perception-of-scorability factor; guys know what I'm talking about.
2. I honestly can't even be bothered to look up the correct spelling of this nitwit's name. Neither the character nor the actor who portrayed him was ever remotely interesting. [Return]
3. Yes, I check the message boards. Occasionally. Fuck off. [Return]
4. Probably "Khaetleynn" or some such nonsense. Whatever. Again, can't be bothered to look this one up, even though it would probably have taken me less time than it did to type this very footnote. That's how little I care. [Return]
5. California U! Alma mater of the 90210 gang! If you already knew this before checking the footnote, pat yourself on the back. In shame. [Return]
6. That is, until Summer's untimely dismissal from the ivory towers of Brown throw a wrench in his little RISD plans. [Return]

Josh Schwartz is full of shit

I dare you to read this interview without vomiting, punching your monitor, or both.

For those not inclined to bother, I'll sum up: Schwartz gives an "exclusive"¹ interview to TV Guide's Michael Ausiello on the decision to kill off Marissa in the season finale of The O.C. Schwartz spouts a thoroughly implausible line of crap in which he denies any and all rumours of discord between actress Mischa Barton and himself, instead gassing away about how it was "a creative decision"² that Barton "handled...professionally".

Rubbish. Marissa is both a popular and a devisive character (just as many people hate her as love her, but no one who watches the show has no opinion), as well as, along with Adam Brody, the show's most likely breakout star. Her strained relationship with her mother Julie provides some of the show's most compelling inter-character dynamics. Her lesbian storyline remains the most talked-about topic on the show's message boards more than a year after it ended. In short, there is no reason to write her character out of the show unless there is a problem with the actress. Let's face it, main characters just don't get killed off strictly for story purposes, period.

First off, Schwartz doesn't even deign to let on that Barton was, say, a little disappointed in the decision, instead claiming she "took it in stride" and "continued to do great work". Barton is a known diva who periodically turns up in the tabloids pulling do-you-know-who-I-am-type stunts all over L.A. There will be no convincing me that she wasn't furious about this.

Second, Schwartz dismisses Barton's public spoiler (she revealed to Access Hollywood that her character was dying the day before the show aired), saying he hasn't spoken to Barton about it (probably true) and he "[doesn't] really know what happened". He kind of dodges the question of whether she did it as revenge for being fired, the only time Ausiello asks anything approaching a tough (i.e., direct) question. Gee, ya think? Or does she just not know what night the show is on?

Third, Ausiello makes no mention of the subsequent rumours that the decision was financial. For those with better things to do³, the story goes that Barton demanded more money to do season four, and the producers declined. She threatened to hold out, they threatened to kill Marissa off, she called their bluff, nobody blinked. Goodnight Coop. Just like T.O. and the Eagles. How can this topic not even be broached?

By the way, I still say there's more to this than even the rumours have hinted at so far. If Barton stays famous⁴, wait till that tell-all biography comes out in 20-or-so years' time, then flip right to the chapter where she talks about her relationship with Schwartz. Twenty bucks says they were sleeping together.

"Er, what I meant to say was...":
1. That is to say, Ausiello implies at the and of his lede and in his first few questions that his relationship with Schwartz affords him greater access than most journalists. Whether or not Schwartz is actually talking to anyone else about this, I have no idea. Worth noting in the interest of fairness, by the way, is that for whatever complaints I have about Ausiello's softball session, his first sentence is terrific. [Return]
2. Ausiello's words, actually; Schwartz concurs. [Return]
3. And if so, why are you reading this? [Return]
4. Honestly, I give her about a 10% shot. Which is actually pretty good odds. [Return]

Time to move on

I think I may be done with The O.C., which fell off harder than any other show I've ever seen this past season. What a depressing pile of shit. Thoughts:

• How many times does Schwartz need to resort to unexpected death as a cheap plot device? Caleb was fine, whatever, grandparents die, it happens. Plus it brought Kirsten's long-simmering alcoholism to the surface in all its slackjawed glory; again, fine. Adults dealing with adult problems, something I'd always liked¹ as a sideshow to the real meat of The O.C.: teenage problems. But twice in one season? Desperate much?
• Plus we don't even get teenage problems anymore! Shootings, robberies, multiple peer deaths... what teen can identify with this stuff? And privileged ones, no less? It's an age-old truism in the TV business that when the male and female leads finally give in to that ever-present attraction and fall into each other's arms, the show is effectively over². At first I thought The O.C. had effectively avoided that problem by getting Ryan & Marissa and Seth & Summer together early on, setting up a show in which the focus would be the relationship, rather than the mating dance. Wrong, sort of. The show's glory days remain Seth's pursuit of Summer (remember them sharing the motel room on the way to "TJ"? sigh...) and Summer's subsequent pursuit of Seth during the Anna triangle, a plotline that allowed Summer's character to evolve from cold, snooty bitch to adorable flake. Best plotlines since: Summer and Zach, Marissa and Alex... see a pattern? What I'm trying to say is that the best moments of this season, or only good moments, really, were anything involving...
• Taylor Townsend. T to the T. As in Too little, Too late. Terrific character arc (remarkably similar to Summer's, now that I think about it...), responsible for all of the season's rare goosebump moments during her futile pursuit of Seth. Who can forget "candle wax, tube socks, and the new Fiona Apple CD"? My advice to Schwartz: spinoff. Taylor at the Sorbonne, flirting awkwardly with hot French dudes, getting homesick for the old gang, "Dear Diary"-type voiceovers... I'd watch it. Could succeed in every way that stupid Jennifer Love Hewitt Po5-spinoff failed.
• Seth smoking pot: bottomless comic potential, utterly squandered. Has Adam Brody ever been stoned before? Did love Summer's been-there-done-that revelation, though. Still, it's all played very after-school-special-y, nothing but bad decisions and harsh consequences. Where are the good times? Don't people smoke pot bacause it's fun? I understand there's network pressure not to show any of the positive aspects of drug use (and let's face it, they do exist), but it seems pretty incongruous when compared to the prevalence of alarmingly casual teen drinking that goes on without so much as a disapproving scowl.
• Look, I admire Sandy's altruistic side as much as the next guy, but I don't give a rat's rear end about the hospital or the corrupt head-of-the-board guy. What a snoozer. And on a show that tends to run through six-week storylines in about two episodes, this one seemed to just drag on forever. Getting Sandy back in the D.A.'s office is a great move.
• Mischa Barton must have seriously, seriously pissed off Schwartz, enough so that I wonder whether or not their relationship may have been anything more than professional, nudge nudge, wink wink. I mean, they set up this whole ridiculous storyline about her sailing to Greece on her dad's boat, a perfect way to get rid of her while leaving a return window a la Dylan McKay's motorcycle odyssey, then turn around and kill her! Are you kidding me?!? And something tells me there will be no Pamela's dream if she wants to come back.
• Side effect of Marissa's death: golden opportunity for a Tate Donovan sighting. Make it happen, Schwartz.

Tangents & Clarifications:
1. Interestingly enough, this was something I never liked about My So-Called Life, and a big part of the reason I never got into that show. I just didn't care about the parents. I wanted more screen time for Angela acting all googley-eyed around Jordan Catalano. Maybe I just didn't like the parent characters. I remember finding the mother especially annoying, whereas Kirsten Cohen I'd like to take out to dinner (something fattening, preferably). I've liked the parents on The O.C. since week one; how could you not like Peter Gallagher? Seriously, look at those eyebrows! Where was I? Ah yes... [Return]
2. David and Maddie, Sam and Diane... see, I don't even need to name the shows and you know exactly who I'm talking about. [Return]

We want MAlex! (but we'll settle for SeSum)

Best show on TV is back -- totally gassed. The wife and I settled in the for the season premiere of "The O.C." the other night, certainly weren't disappointed. Random thoughts:

• Kelly Rowan looks pretty good, still the hottest broad in the cast. Seems to have put on a pound or two in the off-season. She could still use a few good home-cooked meals on that frame, but at least she's not the bag o' bones she was last year.
• Anybody gonna miss Trey? Me neither¹. What a lame character. Barely hesitated before agreeing to sell out his brother for a chunka change. And it's not like he's a bad guy because he's devious, he's a bad guy because he's a dumbass.
• Contrast him to Julie Cooper, whose every dastardly scheme is so deliciously wicked that she's not only one of the best characters on the show, but arguably one of the best villians on TV right now². What makes her so fabulous is that she's not purely malicious, just self-serving. When she threatened to smother a gunshot victim in his hospital bed, then offered to pay him to send his own brother to jail, she was really just looking out for her family. In fact just about everything she does is motivated by some woefully misguided good intention or another, which makes her simultaneously more real and more horrifying.
• Summer's been in danger for a while now of becoming little more than Seth's partner-in-comic-relief, and this season shows no sign of reversing that trend. Her stints as Marissa's sounding-board are all well and good, but she needs some stories of her own that don't just revolve around her on-again, off-again shenanigans with Seth and/or Zach. We know her parents are divorced and that she's mad tight with her pops; how 'bout a stepmother with whom she doesn't get along threatening to come between her and daddy dearest? Seeing as her boyfriend and best friend currently rank one and two respectively on the list of the most self-absorbed characters in prime time, to whom could she turn? Could be a chance to establish a friendship with Ryan that could seed future romantic turmoil. More importantly, would impart much-needed depth to her character, currently the least developed of the four teen principals.
• Speaking of Zach, anybody seen him? Is he off the show? Moved in with Luke and his gay dad in tropical Portland?
• Jess is still inspiring discussion at the Fox message boards, though nothing beyond hot-or-not fluff, but all the posts speak of her in the past tense. Is she gone too? Assuming Trey is gone for good she doesn't serve an immediate purpose any longer, but femme fatales like her are always useful to have around³.
• Tate Donovan, back on the set. Never a bad thing.
• Quick shout-out to Peter Gallagher's eyebrows; much love.

A few links worth checking out: ESPN's Bill Simmons "interviews" series creator Josh Schwartz, which reads less like an interview and more like the ravings of a gushing fan, and gambling parody site Oddjack sets the line for the season's events. Bring it.

1. Having said that, I would fully support bringing him back for a brief stint of havoc in a year or so if and only if the actor who currently plays him is already booked and they have to cast a Trey #3 for the role. And only because I believe this would be an all-time record for most actors playing a single recurring role on a TV show.
2. Granted, I don't really watch much else, but I can't imagine anyone being this good at being bad.
3. Prediction? If she stays, here's her next story: the gang all go to some parents-outta-town kegger and somebody's mansion. Jess is there, of course, 'cause it ain't a party without Jess bringin' the drugs. She gets Ryan alone in a bedroom, comes on strong, he turns her down and leaves. She cries rape, purely as an act of revenge for the slight, Ryan gets in trouble with the law again, no one believes him 'cause he's from the wrong side of the tracks, etc. Too easy. Also perfect opportunity for some romantic drama with Marissa, who wants to believe nothing happened, but, but...